Category: Updates

AUGUST 15, 2011 (day before McKenzie goes to college)

Many of you have asked, “How you doing Juno, with McKenzie going to college”?

OK, so today (thinking about McKenzie going to college tomorrow) is a little more emotional than I thought.   Feelings are a mixture of missing Bonnie and sending McKenzie off to college.  For McKenzie she is between worlds….saying goodbye to friends she has know for 7 years and a ‘very safe and secure world’ and stepping into the unknown with knowing one person.  I’m so grateful she’ll be doing that at a small Christian university….no doubt reminding me of my wonderful college days with years filled with a deeper discovery of my faith, to a new level of genuine friends, friends who were in our wedding and 20 years later all of them showing up and supporting me in MI for Bonnie’s memorial service (and to think we weren’t even in a fraternity together).  Those are the hopes I carry for McKenzie as she begins Arizona Christian University.

Anyway, here are some of my thoughts from this morning (that’s what I get for running at 5:15 AM):
Well its more than obvious that most of the world doesn’t miss a beat despite my own grieving process.  This week I’m once again reminded that the grief journey is full of unexpected feelings and emotions, its a mysterious blend of sadness and gratefulness.  I’m fully and painfully aware that it has been 21 months since Bonnie’s entrance into heaven.  Some people would think that’s a long time and maybe I ‘should be over it by now’ – if that’s the case then I well behind ‘the grieving curve’.  My experience has been that this grieving process is a long and hard road to walk down.  At times its like living two worlds – the public world in which I need to function and be productive and my private world in which I enter into the mourning process once again.

At this season in the grieving process, its filled with both grief and gratitude. While Bonnie continues to be deeply missed, I also live in the reality of having been blessed with a wonderful daughter that I’m still called to care for and love and to partner with God in nurturing her into all the she can be (so yes that means going off to college [we are both glad it’s only 45 minutes from home]).  The reality of the hope and power of the resurrection is my foundation.  The blessing of the wonderful encouragement of deeply faithful friends is the new reality in which I live.   The combination of both faith and friends (and I’m grateful to say my faith community – Mountain Park Community Church) gives me energy and strength to face each day.

So while the painful and sad reminder of Bonnie’s absence is intensified on these special occasions, it is critically important for me to slow down and pay attention to that place in my heart that is also filled with sincere gratitude and gratefulness for the relationships God has blessed me with.  How God brings those two extreme emotions (brokenness and thankfulness) together remains a mystery.  Thanks for being part of the mystery in my life.

In His peace that passes all understanding,

A year ago today was the memorial service for Bonnie in Kalamazoo.  While I’m not in denial, the words memorial service and Bonnie’s name in the same sentence, at times, continues to feel surreal.  I guess its just one of those days.   This is our ‘first’ Thanksgiving home without Bonnie.  As I begin to decorate the home I open up box after box which create a flood of memories surrounding special ornaments.  I’m reminded of how Bonnie liked to decorate in a certain way, I see her hand writing on post-it notes indicating where we used decorations in previous years, and of course once in a while some items that should have gone in a garage sale years ago :).  Decorating is taking a little longer and feels like it takes a lot more energy then I can put towards it.  Bonnie always decorated ‘her’ tree (white lights and Waterford ornaments – OK she had classy style, but I’m very confident they were all purchased after Christmas at 75% off).  Not sure when we’ll use the tree again, but McKenzie will have a classy tree when she chooses to.

As the season goes on…day by day…experience by experience…memory by memory, we journey through it.  Ultimately the ‘season’ is about being thankful for God’s faithfulness, and for his overwhelming desire to be in relationship with each of us which he expressed so selflessly as he entered the world as a child.  It’s a reminder that God has created us to be in relationship with others as well.  We all know Christmas is more than time off work, presents, children, and even Santa (oh and for anyone in retail an  incredible boost in sales).  It’s a tangible time to count our blessings here on earth and the blessing that God so loved the world, that he reentered it, for the sake of each of us…so that we might spend eternity with him.

Here are two songs that I listened to over a year ago, and today they once again ministered to my heart.  You may want to light a candle, indulge in your favorite beverage, listen to the words, release any self imposed expectations about the holidays, and say a prayer of thanksgiving for the special people in your life.   May you be blessed and reassured of God’s presence and faithfulness to you.  Lean into the friends in your life, and if your lonely, be a friend to someone.  May your heart begin to swell with gratitude.
He Is – Mark Schultz
Always – Building 429

This website tries to capture the journey of Bonnie Joy Smalley, a remarkable mom, wife, and friend who courageously lived a life of hope and encouragement while battling a 13 year struggle with ovarian cancer.  Bonnie’s time on this earth ended, November 4, 2009.  It’s our prayers that the impact of her faith and life and the stories that others share will give you hope and encouragement  – no matter what your journey may be.

November 4, 2010
Hello Friends,

Just typing November 4th can bring tears to my eyes.  Adding 2010 makes me wonder how we made it through the first year without Bonnie.  I’m not sure how a year has gone by, but with God’s grace and the support, prayers and love from so many people we have made it through the year of ‘firsts’ and here we are ready to take another step.

I fully understand that this past year has not just been a journey for McKenzie and me, but all of us in our own way has journeyed into the valley of the shadow of death.  Some of you grieve for the loss of Bonnie’s friendship, while others who didn’t have the privilege of knowing Bonnie embraces the words of scripture when it says to weep with those who weep.  In many ways you have not forgotten Bonnie and have shared in our journey with us.  Grieving takes a lot of energy…so together we have made it though the first year.

Though we have traveled down a portion of the path of grieving and healing we still have a way to go.  The truth of the reality is that we would not be is such a good place without our hope in the resurrection, our faith in Jesus, and your love and support.  Frankly I’m not sure how people who do not share in the belief of the resurrection could ever make it through such a painful journey.

So today I’m taking the day off and just hanging out with McKenzie.  I picked up Bonnie’s favorite donuts this morning to remember (and indulge if I do say so myself).  It’s a day or remembering and writing, a day of tears and laughter, a day to grieve the Bonnie is not with us, and a day to celebrate Bonnie’s graduation into the other side of eternity.   It’s a day to at times Be Still and Know that He is God.  It’s a day to just ‘Be’ and relish in the reality of God’s presence and the blessings of your friendships.  While still celebrate who Bonnie was and where she is, we also miss her very very deeply, and at times that reality just stinks!  Yet, our hope is in the name of the Lord, maker of heaven and earth,  and in the reality of our faith in Jesus we live day by day, moment by moment, and cherish the relationships along the way.

As we continue to live in the tension of grief and gratitude we take one step at a time knowing that God is with us and that He so often helps us through this journey by your love and support.

So may we all have grateful hearts as we remember our beloved, graceful Bonnie.  
May we lean into the community that God has blessed us with and be a friend to those who need one.
May we hold onto the hope we share in the resurrection and through the gift of tears remember our past ask God for the courage and strength to take another step tomorrow.

God is indeed good and His love endures forever.

In the peace of Christ, which passes all understanding,

Juno

Reflecting on the 1 year anniversary of Bonnie passing, I wanted to make the memorial service available for all who wish to watch as we remember her together. The following video is the memorial service held for Bonnie at our home church in Ahwatukee, AZ, Mountain Park Community Church.  As you watch may you heart be filled with Hope & Encouragement as your faith in Jesus grows…

You must have flash installed on your computer to view the video. If you do not see anything once the page is done loading, click here to verify that you have the latest version of flash installed.

In July of 2010, Juno had the privilege to share a message at church, that pertains to the church, faith and when bad things happen.  Click here to watch it.

PATS RUN 2010

Well I finished the Pat’s Run (4.2 miles).  I’m alive…and am painfully reminded that I have a boat load of training to accomplish if I’m to run 13 miles in January.  The motivation there is that I’ve already paid for the race so that should keep me motivated.  I also think it’s time for some new running shoes.  McKenzie woke up real early on a Saturday to cheer dad on :).  She  also wrote me a nice note to encourage me….I “Beast it out” for her.

This is my 5th race.  3 of them 4.2 miles, the other two were half marathons (13 miles).  All but the first run was a way for me to raise funds to help manage the uncovered medical expenses for Bonnie.  Needless to say Bonnie was on my mind and heart as I made race preparations Friday night and ran the race on Saturday.  Running for a cause is a hole lot more motivating then ‘just running’.  Running for Bonnie gave me a reason to get out there and do it.  I wrote in Bonnie’s Mother’s Day card a year ago that I’d start running again….so indeed I have.  Bonnie was very concerned that I would have a heart attack at a young age and leave her and McKenzie alone.  Running was my way of taking a step (well more like a few hundred steps) towards health.

My run was filled with numerous emotions:

• many wonderful memories of Bonnie (she would have been there cheering me on), reflecting over the past year of what happened
• sad feelings of Bonnie not being here and simply missing her
• gratefulness for the friends in our lives
• today, April 18 makes it 36 years since my mom’s major heart attack (she was 43).  So numerous thoughts of that day and sitting in the ER wondering how God was going to use this situation.  Maybe that’s a question that is timeless for us all as we experience situations in life….God, how will you use this.

I ran faster this year (I think – at least my body feels like I ran faster).  My good friend Matt and his 10 year old set the pace.  Ya they came in a few feet before me.  Besides trying not to trip on the people who were walking or running very very slow, my mind was often praying for the blessings of friendship and support that we had been recipients of over the years.  No doubt running has provided the place for my mind to focus on others and to reflect on my own current reality.

So now I run (for my own health – which is a very good reason to run), in memory of Bonnie and with the desire to be around for many years so I can continue to have the privilege of being a dad to McKenzie (although overprotective at times – which is something reserved for dads).

May we all run the race that is before us.

After the run, I rewarded myself with a trip to the local garden centers :).

April 3, 2010

Tomorrow we celebrate the reality that Jesus rose from the dead.  He has victory over death.  This singular event is the foundation of our faith…our hope for both today and tomorrow.

As Easter approaches many things come to mind as I think through the past few months.   Tomorrow will make it five months since Bonnie had crossed over to the other side of eternity.  To think we’ve made it five months without her presence seems like an impossible journey.  But step by step, day by day we made it.  I’d be lost without the love and support from so many of you.  Again what a reminder that God calls us into relationships.  I realize how important it is to have some authentic friendships, to be in community with others, prior to the crap of life hitting the fan (Bonnie’s not here to edit :)).

No doubt there are some days over the past few months that call for a deeper reflection, some events that bring to the surface feelings of sadness and still feelings of disbelief of the last year.  Many circumstances that cause me to think, What Would Bonnie Do?  I guess I should have thought about that one before I pierced my nose (OK that’s a joke).

Bonnie loved the spring.  When she would take her walks she would often comment about the new leaves returning to the tress (they are already there).  The Iris we brought from Michigan began to bloom yesterday.  It’s only the second year this happened.  Irises were Bonnie’s favorite flower.  My love for gardening, really came to bloom (excuse the pun) when we bought our first home 16 years ago.  While I enjoyed created new gardens, Bonnie appreciated very much the beauty and serenity they added to our homes.  Its taking some time to get used to not coming into the house and asking Bonnie to come out to see what she thinks of my newest creation or color selection of this years annuals.

While spring is a great way to remember that God brings life out of death its also, in a strange way, a reminder that death is painful part of life.   I’ve confident I’ll see Bonnie again, but reflecting on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus reminds me that I’m here for a purpose.  While Jesus was God and would return to heaven, he was here for a purpose – he had a vision!  While at times lately, my vision may be a little blurry from tears, I remain convinced and confident that God had Bonnie, and has McKenzie and me here on earth to make not just the world a better place, but to make a difference for eternity in the lives of many people….

Anyway, allow me to close with two songs…click on either of them as you so desire.   Tomorrow McKenzie and I sing in the choir (so I’ve got to get in bed) the last song in our celebration service is called I will Rise. It was sang at both of the memorial services for Bonnie.  The other song,  All the Way my Saviour Leads Me is one I’ve been listening to for several weeks and really sums up my heart at this point in the journey of grief.

May you experience the hope we all have because Jesus rose from the dead.

Celebrating in the hope we have in Jesus, and as always giving thanks for you,

Juno

PS.  I shared a message a couple of weeks ago…It’s talks about healing and how God has worked in our family through the adoption of McKenzie and through the life and death of Bonnie.  Click here if you want to watch or listen to it.

Many of you are inquiring about ‘how we are doing’.  So here’s a quick update…

McKenzie is doing well.  She is loving school.  She is in the choir at school and at church.  She continues to swim about 3 days a week.  She is most excited by the hopes of obtaining her driver’s license within the next couple of weeks.  And she thinks dad needs to learn how to cook a little more :).

Juno (that would be me…doing the writing) is learning how to transition from a two parent, married life style to a widower and single parent.  I (we) simply and at times emotionally take days and events one day at a time and even one step at a time.

Life without a mom: basically the only word i can think of is: HORRIBLE

although i still have my wonderful dad and all my family members and friends to take care of me i still wish she was here to help me out with problems and such.

i got a letter in the mail today from my dear aunt peggy she wrote in it: ” When ever you have a problem just think ‘WHAT WOULD MOM DO’.” wow that totally helps actually. i think i need a new braclet that says WWMD instead of WWJD.

it been a rough few days but me and dad are doing AY-OK together. I’m excited to get out of arizona and be in michigan with all my family. my homework status is through the roof. :( its gonna take a lotta time! but im glad teachers are being understanding. I still feel like my mom is here with us. like im just waiting for her to come home from shopping or go upstairs and see her putting on her makeup or doing her hair or go downstairs and see her laying on the couch watching her favorite tv shows. Life deffinitly is going to be different now im gonna have to start being more responsible instead of relying on her so much. Sophie (the dog) is gonna be bored all day while im at school and dads at work, (BTW our poor dog whose curled up on my lap right now has been in a state of depression for the past week :( pray for her too!)

mean while we have some good things to be happy about:

-My dad is finally considering buying a vehical for me.

-Shopping has become my new form of therapy (and might i add, is helping) *wink wink* just kidding           p.s dad is also going to have to learn to be more appreciative of the latest fashions and be willing to see all my new clothes i buy and at least pretend he knows weather or not something is really cute! ha ha

-Gods provided me and dad with lots of really great friends!

anyways its late now so i better get some sleep!

i thank you all for continuing to be supportive and praying for us! it meens alot!

peace and love : mckenzie

Dearest Juno & McKenzie,

Sometimes we find ourselves without the words to express how we feel. I’ve never been one to be lost for words, much like you Juno – always able to fill in the silence of the moment or to ease the tension in a room.

But not so long ago, I met a beautiful and proud woman named Bonnie Smalley. Yes, I knew she was Juno’s wife, but only a little bit of how they met, fell in love and began their lives together. But sharing time at one Board and Staff dinner didn’t begin to demonstrate the dynamics or strength of this couple’s journey together—their precious love for their child McKenzie, nor the difficult days that were looming ahead for their family and the church family.

But what was looming ahead for them that would cause heavy hearts and tears, would ironically no doubt be singing and great celebration by our Heavenly Father with His Angels joyfully rejoicing that another precious soul was coming home to join Their Family.

Bonnie touched my soul at the Staff Retreat. Not having known her all that well, I sat there in amazement, when she asked for our prayers for Juno and McKenzie to have strength to see her through her health challenges. And I felt in my soul, what she didn’t say, was for them to survive the time that I believe she knew may be close, when they would need our church family to gather around them, when it was time for her to go home.

When I lost my mother six years ago, at her celebration of life I read the words of Rick Warren from “The Purpose Driven Life”: When we leave this world, we are not leaving home, we are going Home—Hallelujah!
The Celebration of Life for Bonnie on November 12, 2009 was absolutely beautiful. She had to be rejoicing and finally out of pain, free and peaceful in Christ.

McKenzie, your words and sharing were so precious for your mother. What a beautiful soul your parents have molded, along with our Savior. Your mother was a woman that leaves footprints on the hearts of those who were privileged enough to know her – even if only briefly.

All of us have been richly blessed and touched by our brief time of knowing Bonnie. And now that she’s moved on to what she worked all her life to achieve—we rejoice that she’s walking with her Savior, standing in the glow of His Light and knowing she’ll be waiting for you to join her one of these days. After all, she’s only a heartbeat away.

Melanie Swisher